woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
