So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
