Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
