I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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