I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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