I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize