dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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