I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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