I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
