i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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