I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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