I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
