Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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