Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
