I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
