It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
