Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
