I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
