Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
