I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
