then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
birth control should be required to get into college
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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