There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
