foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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