Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
