My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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