You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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