why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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