you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
