Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
