If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
