i used baking grease as lip gloss
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
