oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
