what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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