ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
