He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
