I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
