I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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