so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
