6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
