You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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