i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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