I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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