why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
