It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
two words...techno handjob
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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