I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize