I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
