i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
