I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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