My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
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