you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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