I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize