I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
