i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
no, he came in my armpit
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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