He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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