i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
