i don't like sucking hair
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize