I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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